Thursday, 28 November 2013
To Live Or Not To Live? That Is The Question
Part of the end of life care process involves making decisions regarding if you want to be resuscitated or "brought back to life" in the event that your heart stops working. This particular form is called a DNACPR, which stands for Do Not Attempt Cardio Pulmonary Resuscitation. I have learnt quite a bit about this process during my medical training, but never thought I would be faced with making this decision at such a young age.
Incidentally, I have signed the form instructing the doctors not to resuscitate me, but the gravitas of this decision hit me on monday when I was facing the potential hickman line readjustment procedure. It occurred to me that, if by some freak accident, my heart stopped working on that operating table, that I would die then and there. I had previously made my wishes explicitly clear to the palliative care team that the DNACPR was only to be enforced in the event that the cancer was causing the death, but I became acutely unsure on that operating table whether or not the current team of doctors were aware of that.
It made me rethink whether or not I should withdraw the form. On the one hand, I don't really want to die just now, but then on the other hand, I want it in place for when I do die. To be honest, I just want to die peacefully in my sleep with my friends and family around me.
In some ways, it feels wrong to refuse treatment at the end of life because it feels like I'm taking my life into my own hands and not giving control over to God. But, it is God who knows how many days I have left and it is Him who will come to take me home, I just can't wait to see Him face to face. My hope and joy comes from Him; today my heart is glad.