I am twenty six years old and I have never had sex, and now, most probably never will. This one simple statement by its self already throws up a thorny number of questions. What counts as sex? Is sex, actual penetration? Does it include foreplay, does it include kissing; if so where? This is a question that has always baffled me. The Bible uses the term sexual immorality, which is pretty much a junk drawer term for all things that you do which are sexual in nature outside of a married man and wife relationship in the eyes of God. Fair enough in one sense; although, what does that mean for today in this age when it comes to courtship and dating. Culture has changed and it is arguably no longer the norm for people to be betrothed in marriage from a young age.
I have battled with the question of what counts as sex for many years, until I had a change of heart. The question I was actually asking was, "how close can I get to the boundary and still be ok?" It is kind of like playing that rather dangerous childhood game of "chicken" The idea is that you wait on one side of the road and then you run across to the other side just before a car comes without getting run over; the winner is the one who makes it to the other side. To put your mind at rest, I have never played that game for fear of death. Back to the plot. The question I now ask myself is "how far can I stay away from the boundary to enjoy a relationship with a potential spouse while having an enjoyable and life giving relationship with God at the same time.
For me, the answer is simple in a way, but needs to be exercised with caution. Would I do what I do if my parents were sitting in the same room as me? Now, if you asked me that kind of question a few months ago, I would say that I would have my boyfriend sitting at the other side of the room and I may exchange the occasional hello with him in the presence of my folks. But my relationship with my folks have changed in a massively positive way, where I would be more comfortable being with my boyfriend around them. But the most important question I ask myself is "how does my actions behind closed doors influence my personal relationship with God?" Do I feel ashamed, guilty? Or do I feel happy, at peace and blessed? Now this is where it gets tricky and I find I really need accountability. It is possible to repeat an action many times so that it doesn't way on your conscience and bother you anymore; you can effectively lie to yourself and make it seem ok. This is why, for me, I have tried to put up my own boundaries before getting into a relationship.
I love hugs and I am a very tactile person. But I told God, to honour Him, I would not kiss my boyfriend on the lips before we were married. To a lot of people, that will sound incredibly extreme; and I agree it is, which is why, I would never enforce that on any other person. But for me, in order to stay pure and not get carried away I need to be very strict with myself, because above all, I live to serve God. So no, I have never had sex; but I have crossed my boundaries, by my own doing, more times than I care to remember. When this has happened in the past, I was always left with a sense of shame and its horrible. But God is a loving and forgiving God and He sees my heart; I take comfort in knowing that He forgives me and continues to love me despite not being able to control my sexual desires.
I have chosen this life for myself not because it is laid out in the law of the Bible, but because God is my first and my True Love and it brings me great joy to live a life that is pleasing and fragrant to Him. But how I struggle. All my life, since my childhood, I have dreamed, longed, yearned to meet my soul mate to hear those special words, when he looks into my eyes and is focusing only on me and tells me Stari, I love you. Even though, I have in the past given my heart completely away, those words have never been or will ever be uttered or even whispered to me and it cuts me so deep into my soul its unbearable. The one thing I ever wanted, will not come to pass. I long to be in that embrace, to experience that touch and warmth, but it will never be. I often asked the question, what is wrong with me. I could never understand, why it seemed so easy for other people to become a couple but not for me. I guess, in hindsight, given my imminent death, it is the kindest way out of a horrible situation to die single than to have another loved one tormented by this ordeal. It doesn't make it easier though.
The high esteem I held relationships to in the past was very damaging to myself and needed to be broken. For me, having a husband would solve all my problems, it was a way to escape my life horrors. My husband would take care of me, love me, never leave me or forsake me; thats what I thought. Having a husband became my idol. The only problem is that there is nobody on the earth that can fulfil that role apart from Jesus Christ Himself, because we are sinners. I once heard a preacher say that when he conducts a wedding he always tells the couple that there are only two problems with marriage; if you get over them then you will have the perfect marriage. The problems are the man and the women. Both are sinful, both are going to hurt each other and unless you know what to do with that sin hurt and pain, your marriage will fail. That is why it is so important to have Jesus in your marriage, because He is the one who forgives sin and He is the one who heals pain. We can't make marriage work by our own strength; we need our Saviour and His name is Jesus Christ.
So given that I am not going to be married when I die, why don't I just go out and have sex, so I can experience at least some part of this unknown pleasure? I'm not harming anyone after all am I? Well, I am actually harming myself. Sex is not just physical; it is emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological. God designed sex and He designed it to be pleasurable. But that pleasure was designed to be enjoyed in the safety boundary of marriage because that is where true intimacy is found. I am looking for that love and intimacy; I am not looking for carnal sex because that would be soul destroying, I would feel worthless.
In heaven, there will be no marriage. I'm not sure how that quite works, but I trust Jesus, and He says that there is something better than human marriage. He says, that being the bride of Christ is better than marriage on this earth and I trust Him. That is why I will wait for my True Love.